MARCH HOROSCOPES!!

Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
Happy Birthday! This is your lucky month, Pisces. Great things and lavish baked goods are headed your way!! Spring cleaning is here, so it’s out with the old and in with the new. A new fling, new inspiration, new places, new pencils. Float on, little one, because this month is definitely yours. You are so successful and splendid to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. Kudos to you – keep up the good work. Your lucky constellation is Orion’s Belt but only when looking at it from at least the second floor of a building. Otherwise, it’s the Water Serpent. Your lucky 80s has-been band is The Cardigans. Speaking of cardigans, this month is going to be a bit chilly, so treat yourself to a new sweater purchase.

Aries (March 21st to April 19th)
Happy birthday, Aries! This is your month to feel like a princess. But don’t go overboard because your friends have been noticing your itchy attitude lately, so stay away from those scratchy turtlenecks. Try reconnecting with some old friends this month- you never know who kicked their awkwardness, or maybe you just find that attractive now (check out those Scorpios and Pisces!), wink wink. Your lucky Nicholas Cage movie is Con Air.

Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)
Beware the ides of March. The 15th will bring an unsurprisingly nasty day for you- the universe’s karmic kick for downloading those songs illegally last month. Try to turn things around by holding doors open for people and wishing on 11:11. To restore karmic order, order more Chinese food this month, but don’t stare at those little cats waving their arms. Your lucky spice is paprika with some cumin.

Gemini (May 21st to June 21st)
Gemini, this is your lucky month. Over the next few weeks, not only will you find the A on the test you’ve been looking for, but also A certain someone has their eye on you! Look alive and dress for spring, and you’ll be sure to impress. Steer clear of bunnies- they give the wrong impression. Your lucky SNL characters are the Devil, Stefon, and Cat & Garth.

Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)
Watch out, Cancer. Put on your metaphorical armor because this month could be a rough one. Stay away from things that are mushy, loud noises, and enclosed spaces. If you can manage to do that, this month should be a breeze! If not, get out your legitimate armor- it may be the only thing that can save you. Don’t follow your diet so much- if you want that cake, great goodness, then eat it, too!  Your lucky street fighter name is Dezdimona Diablo.

Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)
Your whole life has seemed like “March Madness” recently, and March just got here! Luckily for you things are looking up in the next month. The “Madness” may be here for a bit longer, but great things are headed your way. Don’t associate with turtles on the third Friday of the month. Your lucky magazine is Good Housekeeping.

Virgo(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Working too hard to be perfect, Virgo? Stop trying so much and do something for yourself this month. It’s time to have a self-help day. Stay true to your strong virtues of kindness and patience and the universe will reward you. Fear poison cucumbers and organic Himalayan coffee grounds. Your lucky tea is Earl Grey.

Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
The current planetary alignment tells us that you are in for a treat within the fortnight.
You’ll attract the most karmic energy when the stars align on the beach this month. Spend some much needed time with friends and before you know it, the aforementioned treat will appear before you. On the 13th, you will encounter a polite tiger on your path that will say “hello” and continue on its way. Next time you’re ordering a drink at Starbucks, give the barista a pseudonym. You’ll be happy that you did. Your lucky numbers are 4, 18, 26, 32, 8.

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)
This will be the month of good fortune for you Scorpio! You finally can relax and take in the springy, humid air. You will be swept up in a new romance next week that will have you in raptures. Dance in the moonlight and sip coffee with flowers in your hair. Enjoy every day! Do whatever you see fit to make the best of March- no one can parallel your eccentric, appealing swag and smiles. When you walk into a room, you emanate giggles and shedded hair, and small cherubs with trumpets (metaphorically of course…we think). Mismatched socks are OK as long as they are pastels. Don’t set your microwave to anything over 2:30 or else the universe might implode. Your lucky indie singer is Sufjan Stevens.

Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)
Don’t worry about what happened last month in the cafeteria, Sagittarius- everyone forgot; it’s already old news. Move forward and act like you know what you’re doing- because your subconscious and the universe know you do. Try to go by instinct and don’t plan too far into the future or else you’ll hit your head with the present. And speaking of- remember to get those birthday gifts for Pisces and Aries. You’re doing just fine! Your lucky woodworking material is Australian Red Cedar.

Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)
You have recently found yourself in the midst of an existential crisis. Who are you? Why are you here? Well that, my friend, will be answered for you by the universe. Look for signs in bird formations, scantron answer formations, and traffic lights. Not all red lights mean stop- persevere! With a can-do attitude, you can be epic- no one else is better at being you! Mind your head when going up stairs (and occasionally down). Your lucky coffee pot brand is CuisineArt.

Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)
I saw that, Aquarius! Remember those instructions you promised your orthodontist you’d follow? Maintain your promise. As long as you uphold good dental hygiene this month, your karmic energy is looking good. Don’t even think about bringing a Virgo home to meet the parents – that is a recipe for disaster. You have really buckled down lately, and your hard work has not gone unnoticed. Your lucky species of Neopet is the Draik (specifically a Maraquan Draik).