Friendzoned or Forever Alone, you’re too cool for organized school functions anyway.

Step 1: Make all of your friends super jealous by picking up not one sweet date, but two – Ben and Jerry. Go to the nearest Publix and fill your cart with party food – every time you start to get a feeling of self-loathing because of your lack of a Sadie date, add one more pint of ice cream. Because nothing cures better than highly processed sugars and fats. To make things exciting, pretend you are a college student buying your food for a week; “Ah, I’m so poor I have to live off of diet coke and cheese puffs.” When you go to check out, share a knowing smile with your cashier as you survey your purchases.

Step 2: Create a playlist for the night. Pretend you don’t love the depressing unrealistic teen pop idol love songs that fill most of your iTunes library, and skip over “That Should Be Me” just in case. Dance around your room with a hairbrush as a microphone and laugh – okay Justin Bieber, I know you think she’s “the one you can’t live without,” but what are you anyway, like, 12? Include songs like “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood and all of the songs Gabriella from High School Musical sings each time Troy ignores her/acknowledges Ashley Tisdale/ditches her to remind yourself of everything you’re not missing.

Step 3: Commit yourself to a lifetime of solidarity because you really hate children. Consider joining a convent. Reject the idea in the end.

Step 4: Decide to clean out your closet because all that thinking about nunneries has inspired you to become a better person. Try everything on because you’re not sure if it still fits since you mostly wear your uniform.  Test out new looks using your old clothes, including Hipster, Goth, Boy, and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman pre-Richard Gere. Have a fashion show in your closet and play the song “Supermodel” by Taylor Dayne (See step 2), while pretending you’re Lizzie McGuire. End up with nothing in the give-away pile and the contents of your closet on your bedroom floor.

Step 5: Make faces at yourself in the mirror and debate why your less-cute friend is at Sadie and you’re not. “Oh, I’m so surprised!” “Now I’m sad.” “Oh stop it, you’re too sweet.” “NO STOP I’M DYING, YOU’RE TOO FUNNY” “I know you’re looking at me so I’m going to pretend I don’t notice.” Store all faces in memory for use at a later time.

Step 6: Contemplate why nearly every member of the sophomore class has a boyfriend/girlfriend. Come to the conclusion that it must have to do with the 1995 Chinese zodiac.

Step 7: Turn on that school required computer of yours. While your friends may be getting entertained by whoever emailed Scott Halperin to get a $10 fifteen minute time slot at Sadie, you have the entire internet to occupy you. Start off on a website like Stumbleupon, which was created specifically for procrastinators. Stalk that artsy kid’s Facebook profile and wish you had artsy friends to take pictures of you that make you look cool. Take selfies and compare them to said artsy kid’s pictures. Be disappointed when you don’t look cool. Peruse the Youtube channels of Jenna Marbles and Kingsley.

Step 8: Almost shave, but don’t.

Step 9:  Come extremely close to buying a cat online. Decide that each year you will buy a new cat to kick-start your cat collection. Reject the idea because you hate cats anyway.

Step 10: Call your friend to see what Sadie’s like, and find out that they’re at home, too. Invite them over to help you eat all the junk you bought in Step 1. When they accept, rejoice in the fact that you have friends that are just as cool as you are. Who needs the best date when you already have the best friend? Oh, right, everyone at school right now.