APRIL HOROSCOPES

Aries (March 21st to April 19th)

Love is in the Aries…I mean air. But regardless, good news for you, Aries! Expect a new special someone to enter your life within the fortnight. As an Aries, you’ve always been quite the independent soul, but soon that may change. Open your eyes to who’s around you and be willing to talk to new people. After all, it’s prom season! Your lucky shade of Prom dress or tie accent color is hunter green. If you’re an Aries with green eyes, double whammy.

Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)

Did you see that? No? That’s because you’re imagining things again, Taurus. Stop daydreaming and smell the soy latte- you need to get your life back in order. Check off your to-do list by writing down simple tasks, make sure you smell nice, and make sure your socks match. Once you get your astral configuration configured, you’ll be ready to go, and your karma will be back in balance. Your periodical of the month is National Geographic.

Gemini (May 21st to June 21st)

Be sure to pay good attention to your self-identified spirit animal this month. Consult your inner tiger, sea horse, or black widow spider when making important decisions. You are going to be faced with tough choices this month, and you’ll want to be sure you are heading in the right direction. Speaking of directions, your One Direction singer of the month is Zayn Malik.

Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)

When was the last time you took a day to yourself, Cancer? You’ve been working so hard lately! Take your nose off of the grindstone and put it in the air so you can smell Spring! There are so many flowers (mostly metaphorical but also some nice, smelly ones, too) for you to collect- you have tons of admirers waiting to hang out with you! Take a day to enjoy yourself and your company- you deserve a day like Ferris. Your lucky Ferris Bueller quote of the month is “Ferris! Get off of the float!” But in your case, Cancer, if one is available, we think it is best that you do, in fact, get on the float.

Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)

Leo, Leo, Leo…. since when was it ever a good idea to do that? You know that’s not karmically sound, so don’t lie to yourself. Trust your instincts, but not when they’re leading you down dark alleys or to “authentic” specials on menus of chinese take-out restaurants. Make sure you’re not betting against the house, and certainly do not bet your house if you’re playing for more than bragging rights. Your lucky metallic color of the month is Burnished Copper. You can try it out for Prom!

Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)

This month is going to be filled with April showers (both literally and figuratively), but don’t fret, May flowers will follow thereafter! For the time being, get out your raincoat and rain boots, Virgo. Be prepared for a heavy workload, beware of a lost item, and don’t get too overwhelmed when one of your favorite TV shows accidentally does not get TiVoed…there’s always Hulu. Wherever you are, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. Your lucky 90s boy band of the month is Boyz II Men.

Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)

Libra, you have to watch your step. Don’t look behind you after lunch mid-month- it could lead to serious neck pain….and strained astral configurations. Keep on the straight and narrow, but make sure that path doesn’t just go in one direction- you have to be sure to see the whole picture. Apply this logic to important life decisions, snack decisions, shoe decisions, pet food decisions, etc. Except hair gel…make sure you go in just one direction with that. Your lucky commercial of the month is that awkward Marvin Gay Reese’s one with the chocolate eggs. It’s time for you to get it on.

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)

Scorpio, it’s time for Spring cleaning! Get rid of everything that’s bringing you down- like an astral grocery list full of good vibes. Did your friend just tell you that you gained a few? Well, put on your skinny jeans and show her what you’re made of. Did your teacher just metaphorically (or literally) stomp on your essay? Well write a better one and draw a dinosaur. With your new, can-do attitude you can attack your problems and any decisions you have to make, get rid of the negative space, add some positive insight, and metaphorically (or, once again, literally) whoop some… butt. Your diva of the month is Tina Turner… keep on rollin’.

Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)

Everything seems to be your theme song this month Sagittarius. Whenever you feel the need, burst into song and quickstep- it will always lighten the mood. Don’t let others sway you from your groove- you’re at your best you this April! Try new things, such as Bartlett pears and unicycling- now is the time for new experiences, you’ll find plenty of new things to like and dislike as is the way with newness. Speaking of new things, there’s a new, special someone hopping your way- get ready for your Spring Fling just in time for Prom and Earth Day! Your lucky frozen appliance company of the month is Frigidaire.

Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)

Don’t just hit spam on that chain mail, Capricorn! Luck is definitely in your favor this month and everything is a sign from beyond. And yonder. And forth. Also look for messages from your past returning as personal history lessons- know what to and not to repeat. Use discretion- for instance, jeggings can go both ways. Watch out for fortune cookies- they might be leading you in the wrong direction. Instead, look in your clothes’ laundry labels for the answers you seek- hand wash and non-detergent have never had so much meaning… Your lucky Spanish teacher of the month is Senor Clark.

Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)

Lately it seems like you’ve been getting too emotionally invested in everything around you. March Madness didn’t go your way and neither did the season finale of The Bachelor. Unfortunately for you, Aquarius, you win some and you lose some. When you stop walking on eggshells and allow yourself to forgive and forget, you will feel inner peace.  Also, stop procrastinating and start searching for that perfect summer job so you can start investing some real ca$h instead of emotions. Your lucky word of the week is “butterfly”, or “бабочка” in Russian.

Pisces (February 19th to March 2oth)

In the words of Canadian rapper and recording artist Drake, “started from the bottom now you’re here.” Seriously Pisces, you’ve made it. You’re finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; don’t let this feeling of greatness stop. You can do anything you set your mind to (unless of course you set your mind to practicing the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu…can’t promise you the successful mastery of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). Your to-do list for this month: disrupt the status quo, make an effort to eat your vegetables, switch up your routine, and always eat dessert first. I promise you’ll thank me later. Other than that, keep it up. Your lucky grocery store is Publix and Whole Foods on weekends.