[ot-caption title=”Dallas Quarterback Tony Romo will look to lead his Cowboys to a Thanksgiving Day win. (via Dallas Morning News, Tom Fox)”]

It’s  that time of the year again! The greatest holiday is back, and I’m here to make sure you enjoy it. What makes Thanksgiving great are all the distractions that are available to you in order to avoid that awkward conversation with Uncle Scott—your mom’s weird brother that you haven’t seen since, well, last Thanksgiving. These distractions include white and brown meat, stuffing, that sweet potato casserole with the marshmallows on top, and—most conveniently—football. Football is convenient because it allows people to share a common interest and enjoy themselves without having to awkwardly talk about the Republican presidential candidates or the Syrian refugee situation. Football allows people to avoid the monotonous small talk that comes with any family gathering. Of course, watching football can lend itself to its own brand of small talk. The following guide is here to inform you in order to make the small-talk process as painless as possible and to help you get ready for Uncle Scott.

Let’s start with the early game.  At 12:30 pm, The Detroit Lions (3-7) will host the Philadelphia Eagles (4-6) in a battle of underachievers led by the top two quarterbacks taken in the 2011 NFL Draft.

The Lions, led by fiery 90-year-old Martha Ford, have already fired their general manager and their team president. Ford recently hired Rod Wood, who had previously worked as the President and CEO of Ford Estates, as the new President. Ford’s shakeup of the organization has actually spurred some initial success, as the Lions beat the rival Packers at Lambeau Field in Week 10 in thrilling fashion for the first time since 1991. Two weeks ago, the Lions had to overcome two adversities: the firings within the organization and two missed extra points by kicker Matt Prater. That’s not a typo. A professional kicker missed two extra points in one game. For the group of people that don’t watch football other than on Thanksgiving and the Super Bowl, the extra point kick has been moved back. That 19-yard gimme kick that has been in place seemingly forever? It is now a 32-yard field goal. And Matt Prater has been a victim of this rule change. If you want to sound extra smart, you can point out that Prater is 15 for 18 on extra points this year. Despite Prater’s poor showing, the Lions did show what they were capable of in Lambeau, and they followed it up this past weekend as they took down the Oakland Raiders.  Does Martha Firestone Ford have the Lions playing with a newfound sense of urgency? No job is safe, and the team is trying to show Ford that there is still hope for the future. Then again, the 90-year-old has probably been hearing “hope” since before she cashed her first social security check. Anyway, hopefully Detroit will bring their A-game on Thursday.

Their opponents, the Eagles, are stuck in a pool of mediocrity known as the NFC East (more on that later). They are still very much in playoff contention, but that is more a reflection of the quality of the NFC East than the quality of the Eagles themselves. They recently lost to the Dolphins at home, in a game that saw them lose quarterback Sam Bradford to a concussion that kept him out last week as well. Additionally, they got smacked by a mediocre Tampa Bay squad by four touchdowns. The Eagles have failed to take advantage of their division foe Cowboys’ injuries, the Giants’ time-management failures, or the Redskins just being plain old bad. The GM’s offseason arrogance has hindered Chip Kelly’s, the Eagles Head Coach, ability to put his team in a position to win. One bright spot for the Eagles is that Mark Sanchez is among the best backup QBs in the league. This isn’t Sanchez’s first Thanksgiving game; the famous “butt-fumble” took place on Thanksgiving night in 2012. Philadelphia needs the game a whole lot more than Detroit, but that hasn’t stopped them from finding a way to lose in the past. Offensively, the Eagles’ main weapons will need to produce. Their best receiving weapon, tight end Zach Ertz, has not recorded a touchdown yet. Their big offseason signee, former Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray, has been outplayed by fellow free-agent signee Ryan Mathews. And top wideout Jordan Mathews has been awfully quiet as well. Hopefully this game does not end up being a dud, but I would keep the turkey warm just in case.

BEST FRIENDLY FAMILY WAGER: Take the “over” on the amount of times FOX’s broadcast of the game mentions the butt fumble.

UPDATE: Sam Bradford has cleared concussion protocol and is in line to play this week. Don’t take the ‘butt-fumble’ bet. Instead, bet that FOX will show a graphic about how the opposing quarterbacks were first overall picks in consecutive drafts (2009-2010)

Prediction: Eagles win 30-20

Next, at 4:30, the Dallas Cowboys (3-7) host the Carolina Panthers (10-0) in the afternoon matchup on CBS. Do not let the records fool you; this is a much more even matchup than the stat sheet suggests.

The Cowboys started out undefeated with quarterback Tony Romo as the starter. Unfortunately, he’s only played three times. Dallas would probably be running away with the NFC East if it hadn’t lost both Romo and receiver Dez Bryant for long stretches during the season due to injuries. Despite their paltry record, Dallas is still mathematically in the running for the division title. After all, someone has to win the division. The best advice you can take from this entire piece is that you should mute the CBS Broadcast of this game for several reasons. For starters, CBS’s commentary duo of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms do not bring great insight to the table, so you won’t be missing much in terms of substance.   More importantly, these commentators are going to put a lot of emphasis on Cowboys linebacker Greg Hardy.  This is a tired storyline at this point, but that won’t stop every woman in your family from brining it up and turning your living room into a soap box for angry women. Hardy made some terrible choices (which you can read into if you live under a rock), and discussion of his actions will not contribute positively to a Thanksgiving Day experience.  So for your own good, maybe turn the volume down a few ticks for this one.  Moving back to the Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo’s late-season struggles are well documented, but he will have to play the best football of his life if we wants to preserve any chance of winning the division. Expect the Cowboys to try and follow up this week’s win in Miami and come out with a major sense of urgency.

The Panthers are one of the most intriguing stories of the NFL season. Despite losing many key players to both free agency and injuries and not being incredibly explosive in general, the Panthers find themselves at the top of the NFL totem pole with a record of 10-0. With arguably the worst receiving corps in the league and a mediocre-at-best running back, Ron Rivera’s gang is still finding a way to get it done. Quarterback Cam Newton and linebacker Luke Kuechly are both obviously great players, but the standout player that no one saw coming is cornerback Josh Norman. Norman has helped Carolina’s secondary give opposing passing games fits, and he will certainly have his hands full with Dez Bryant. That matchup could very well decide the outcome of this game.

BEST FRIENDLY FAMILY WAGER: Take the “over” on the amount of times CBS’s broadcast of the game mentions that Greg Hardy is playing his former team.

Prediction: Cowboys win 23-16

Lastly, the NFC North takes over the night cap at 8:30 with an always heated clash.  The Green Bay Packers (7-3) will welcome the Chicago Bears (4-6) to Lambeau Field to close out Turkey Day. On a holiday rich with American history, this matchup is rich with pro football history. Bears-Packers is about as American as Thanksgiving itself.

This one is interesting, and we’ll start with Green Bay. After coming out of the gates with a lot of momentum to start the season, the Cheeseheads dropped three in a row, including a really ugly home loss to Detroit. Many were ready to sound the alarm, as the usually prolific passing attack led by Aaron Rodgers was appearing to cool off. Fortunately for Packer fans, the team seems to have righted the ship with a 30-13 thrashing over rival Minnesota. The defense is much improved for sure this year. Clay Matthews, B.J Raji, and Haha Clinton-Dix head a really stingy group that will look to make Jay Cutler’s night miserable. On paper, Green Bay is the better team.

But Chicago is going to have something to say to the doubters. Realistically, if the Bears want a shot at the postseason, this is a game they have to win. Unlike the much maligned NFC East that was already mentioned earlier in this piece, Chicago’s division is filled with contenders, and the only chance they have at a postseason run is to snag a wildcard. In order to do that, John Fox’s group needs to win at Lambeau this Thursday night. And there are a bunch of things that the Bears are going to have to do to make this thing happen. Quarterback Jay Cutler and his coordinator Adam Gase are starting to figure things out airing the ball out. But in this game, probably the best way to beat a great quarterback like Rodgers is to simply not let him have the ball. Chicago will need to get Matt Forte (if he plays) and Jeremy Langford going on the ground to try and win time of possession. The Bears will not win a shootout here. They’re seemingly outmatched, but weird things happen in rivalry games, and Chicago will be hoping that a break goes their way this year on Thanksgiving.

BEST FAMILY FRIENDLY WAGER: bet that the shade of John Fox’s face will be more red than your aunt’s special cranberry sauce at some point in the game.

Prediction: Packers win 27-23

With all that being said, it should be a great day for football this Thanksgiving. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your Turkey Day.

Sources: Youtube