[ot-caption title=”Mr. Spitzig and Mr. Solomon pose for a photo. That’s sketchy. (via Alana Kosches, Freshman)” url=”https://pcpawprint.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/spitsolo.jpg”]

It all started on a rainy day at the Pine. Huddled in Mr. Walter’s office, the administration team gathered to discuss some important matters. The conversation that changed everything went something like this: “I think we need to change things up.” “How do you propose we do that?” “NEW TEACHERS!” And in they came, by the dozens, ready to take over PC. Slowly, each subject wing was filled with a fresh aura of new sophistication. Young blood was only pushing the school further on the scale of unprecedented greatness.

As the teachers began meeting new people, two individuals started causing a scene.  You can rule out English teacher Mr. Lemole. Despite his stern look in the halls, he is not the type to cause a scene. And no, it was not Senora Padilla, the new Spanish teacher known for her fashionable style. The problem lies in the math wing with Mr. Solomon and Mr. Spitzig, the dynamic duo, whose ages combined may still be less than any other PC teacher.

Each day, the students in classes with Mr. Solomon and Mr. Spitzig have expressed grave concern over the nature of their relationship. One of Mr. Spitzig’s students, who wishes to remain anonymous, has sited several strange occurrences amidst a seemingly normal math class. “Mr. Solomon bursts in with an urgent message. The two of them converse quietly in the front of the room.” So, there is undoubtedly something sketchy at play here, but it raises the question, what exactly is it? Is this a bromance blown out of proportion? Some sort of conspiracy ready to take over the world? A fanatic cult?

And their power does not just stop in the classroom, as the pair seems to be recruiting other teachers to join the clique. Ms. Sarasua, the new young science teacher, can be seen talking closely and eating lunch with the two. Mr. Spitzig refused to comment on the matter saying, “I can neither confirm nor deny any claims being made.” However, off the record, he revealed that there are thirteen steps to becoming a member of “the crew,” as he so eloquently put it. Ms. Sarasua is still moving her way up the ranks, which has led several teachers to believe that they are involved in some sort of gang. Mr. Curran, who teaches across the hall from Mr. Spitzig, has sited several instances of what he calls “gang meetings” that generally take place during 7^th period. “From my room, I can see Mr. Solomon enter Mr. Spitzig’s room in the middle of a class. After that, I always just notice them sitting at his desk, passing notes. It’s extremely weird.”

Andrew Bell, who sits next to Mr. Spitzig’s desk during 7^th period, confirmed by stating, “I’ve seen several of these encounters. They usually just sit at his desk and draw shapes on sticky notes! I can’t tell if they’re passing love notes, or drawing gang symbols.” After all, the best way to get any information is to go directly to the source. Mr. Solomon seemed appalled at such accusations. “He’s a geometry teacher! That’s why we sometimes draw shapes. And we’re just good friends!” Sure, “friends” who draw creepy shapes and laugh. It sounds a bit like insanity.

Peer pressure is a real and terrible thing, so teachers need to be cautious to avoid being sucked into this duo’s lifestyle. Students should remain aware of their surroundings and immediately contact a form of higher authority if they notice any suspicious behavior coming from either classroom. As for Mr. Solomon and Mr. Spitzig, just know: we will get to the bottom of this.

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical in nature and was published in a special April Fools’ issue.